Out of Control Teens:
“Should I tell my ex that our daughter was caught shoplifting?”
Hey Terra,
My 15 year old daughter was caught shoplifting with a friend (who ditched my daughter and was not caught) and was 'cited'.Her father and I divorced when she was 2 and she lives with me and her step-dad 85% of the time. Because my daughter was going on a week long vacation with her Dad she convinced me to allow her to delay telling him about the shoplifting incident. She has been back for 4 days and today went into meltdown mode when I asked her about when she was planning to tell him. She said she'd rather die and would kill herself if I told her Dad. She said he wouldn't understand and that she wouldn't do it.
I do not believe she means it when she says she's going to kill herself. She's said this type of thing before and is currently seeing a therapist once a month. She also said I was mean to make her do this and proceeded to verbally assault me in every way you can imagine -- she called me names, said that I deserved having my wallet stolen from my purse earlier that day (karma), she mocked me, laughed at me, screamed at me (profanity/expletives), refused to clean up after herself, feed dogs, normal chores, etc.
What should I do? Tell her Dad anyways? Let it go? Set a deadline for her to do it and if she does not then tell her Dad?
Now What?
Dear Now What?,
You should definitely not "let it go". At the very least, your daughter made an agreement with you to "delay" telling her dad about the shoplifting until after their vacation. She needs to know that when she makes an agreement with you that you expect her to live up to her word. I'm sure if you made her a promise and attempted to reneg, she'd be all over you. Why not hold her equally accountable for her agreements?
From what you've described it sounds like she's doing her darnedest to manipulate you into backing down. (The behavior you've described is absolutely unacceptable, even for an upset 15 year old, and no way should you and your husband have to put up with it.) If you "let it go" the message you're sending is that you're a wimp and easily intimidated. You're also teaching your daughter that she can get away with anything she pleases because you're not going to hold her accountable. You certainly don't want her to go out into the world believing that there are no consequences for her actions! Speaking of which, what was her consequence for shoplifting? Unless I missed something in your question, I don't see that she got any disciplinary action except a "citation" (which meant what... personally... in terms of her making amends?). In addition to whatever the law meted out to her, you and her dad need to put your heads together. Put aside whatever residual guilt you may have over having divorced her father 13 years ago and pay attention to the defiant, verbally abusive, "I'll-do-whatever-I-please" behavior she's exhibiting.
And please don't let her side-track you with threats that she's going to "kill herself" if you bring Dad into the conversation. As you've seen before, this is a bluff used to control you. My advice is that you take the choice to tell or not tell her dad out of her hands. Get on the phone and talk to your ex. Tell him exactly what happened and then TOGETHER (calmly and maturely) talk about a consequence that you're both willing to enforce and get on the same page about what is and what is not acceptable behavior. It also would be wise to talk to her counselor and let him/her know what's going on (because I'd wager that your daughter isn't going to be forthcoming with the information). Finally, I'd suggest a family counseling session because it's apparent that all of you are having problems communicating, trusting, and treating each other with respect. Time for some outside help not just for your daughter, but for the whole family.
On a different topic, you should absolutely call the parents of your daughter's friend and let them know that their daughter was shoplifting. Otherwise that girl will miss getting the message that what she did wasn't okay (and I'm not talking about ditching your daughter at the scene of the crime).
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
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