Communication Problems:
“I want my daughter to stand up to her mother.”
Hey Terra,
I have an issue regarding my 14 year-old daughter's relationship with her Mom (two-homes). Long story short, Mom imposes her desires on our daughter and thinks our daughter "agrees." Our daughter does not. Therapy session set for tomorrow. Mom has been invited to hear daughter's feelings but Mom refuses to come. Mom doesn't believe there's a problem. She thinks daughter wants same thing as her. I know the other side of the story. My daughter lacks courage to speak her true feelings to Mom because Mom browbeats and yells. I want to empower daughter to find "her voice" with Mom (and with me and everyone one in her life). To avoid conflict, daughter deals in vagaries as a defense with Mom, leading Mom to believe wrong things; to make predisposed assumptions.How do I get my daughter to learn to share her true feelings and learn to manage the fallout with Mom well?
Montana Dad
Dear Montana Dad,
I'm sorry your daughter is unable to speak her mind to her mom, but from the girl's point of view, what she's doing makes some sense. If, for example, anytime she disagrees with mom she gets "brow beaten and yelled at"... well, anyone would naturally want to avoid that response. If she were an adult getting that from a friend, she could choose to stay away. But with her mom, what choices does she have other than to feign compliance? From her perspective, she's doing what she needs to do to avoid conflict with mom.
I understand that you want to help your daughter become more assertive because it's important in the overall scheme of things that she learn to be open and honest (especially in close relationships).
I suggest you bring up this discussion in tomorrow's session. Let the therapist help your daughter (in safe ways) to negotiate her current emotional landscape with her mom.
As for you, Dad, my suggestion is that you role model the communication skills you want your daughter to value and emulate. Encourage her, in your relationship with her, to be assertive and honest and open. Just be realistic in your expectations. Hey, you were married to her mom so maybe you know it's not so easy! If that was the case, then imagine how much more challenging it might be for a 14 year old.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
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