Parent Forum – Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

I have a 9 year old daughter and have recently remarried a wonderful man who loves my daughter a lot. I've been a single mom since she was about 2. While I'm not a perfect mom, I feel that I have done a good job of raising her. She is happy and outgoing. She does very well in school. She is respectful of her elders and has always had a close relationship with her real dad. Now that she's 9 (4th grade) she does have the attitude of a 9 year old and can be rude to me. I deal with this by either taking things away and/or giving her sentences to write or I ground her. My problem is my new husband. He doesn't have kids and he just doesn't know how to deal with a 9 year old since he has only been in her life for the past year and a half. Should I allow him to reprimand her with groundings and sentences to write or should I do all the reprimanding and he just stand back and be supportive? I want them to have a loving relationship, but I sometimes feel that my daughter resents my husband when he reprimands her.

Newly Wed Mom

Dear Newly Wed Mom,

It sounds like your daughter is a great little girl. Congratulations on your good parenting job. (No parent is "perfect" so we won't even go there!) Congratulations also on your marriage. You've done a wonderful thing by joining your life with a man who loves you and your daughter. You've got to remember, though, that you picked your husband and your daughter didn't get a vote. And even if he is a great step-dad, I'm not surprised that your daughter "resents" him. Why? Probably because she doesn't have you all to herself any more.

Her "rudeness" and her "attitude" is not typical of a 9 year old, so please don't think this is "normal" behavior. It's not normal, especially not coming from a child who is "happy and outgoing." What she's displaying is jealousy and that's based on her insecurity. She may feel that she doesn't count as much in your heart as she did when it was just the two of you. (You know this isn't true, but that may be how she be feeling based on:

• how much one-on-one time you spend together now vs. before the marriage
• how many of your interactions with her are negative and punishing

You say that your problem is your new husband. That's not it. The problem is your daughter's need for reassurance that you still hold her dear to your heart and that your feelings haven't changed. Without that reassurance no amount of taking things away, writing assignments or grounding is going to ease her anxiety.

You can turn this rudeness around by helping her express the real emotions behind the "attitude." Initiate the conversation. You might say something like this (calmly and respectfully): "Sweetie, I've noticed that sometimes you are rude in the way you talk to me. Have you noticed that?" Then close your mouth and listen to her response. If she claims ignorance, then gently point out just one recent example of what you're talking about. The goal here isn't to nail her. Just the opposite! The goal is to create a safe environment where she can begin to talk about her anger with and her anxiety about the changes in her family and what all that means for her personally.

I'm sure she's happy that you're happy with your new husband, and maybe she feels that it's not okay for her not to be happy too. But she's obviously feeling many other things and you need to let her talk about those feelings. So create a safe, non-judgmental environment (preferably during a Mom & Daughter time away from the house). Do not interrupt or correct her while she's talking. Don't attempt to fix her feelings or talk her out of them. Just be there and listen to your daughter. And when she's done, tell her that you love her more than anything. Make a plan with her to regularly spend special time together, just the two of you. (As well as fun family time with step dad too!) Tell her that when she's feeling left out or resentful or... anything... you want her to know that rudeness will no longer be an acceptable way to communicate, but that she can always come to you to talk. And make sure that when she does come to you, that at the end of each of those exchanges, she feels supported and nurtured.

One more thing, your new husband should definitely not be reprimanding your daughter. Discipline should come from you. His job is to create a mentoring relationship with her. That's going to go a long way toward creating more peace in your family. I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Annie

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