Click here for previous Parent Forum articles. NOTE: This page has not yet been updated to the new AnnieFox.com design. September 2005
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But how far does respect for differences go when it comes to one’s own family? Even when we share identical ethnic, cultural, and genetic legacies, some of us clash strongly with family members due to contrasting personalities, attitudes, and temperaments.
My husband, my son and I recently returned from a family reunion. Reunions are great fun as well as fantastic opportunities to observe family dynamics. They can also cause otherwise mature adults to regress into dysfunctional patterns we assumed were no longer part of our repertoire. If you’ve got friends who drive you up the wall, you can let the friendship fade, but in a family, we’re “stuck” with each other, so what’s the healthiest way to live with our differences?
How do you usually respond when a spouse, an in-law, your own parent, child, or sibling pushes your button? What do you do when your aunt drones on about her allergies or when your brother–in–law asks you a question and then interrupts before you can answer? Few of us have the patience and self-control not to overreact when our switch gets flipped. Few of us readily forgive when someone is rude or insensitive to us.
Instead of exploding or self-righteously enduring these moments, there are better ways to respond. There are also at least two good reasons to explore those other ways. First, you take care of yourself emotionally and physically when you trade resentment and irritation for compassion and forgiveness. You also do the right thing as your kids’ most important teacher.
When a family member does or says something that grates on your nerves, ask yourself:
Talk honestly with your teens about the challenges of expressing our needs and responding to family members in new, more conscious and compassionate ways. Share with them what you’ve learned about being part of a family. Let them know that families are forever, but that doesn’t mean that family dynamics are carved in stone. Just because two people have always interacted in a certain way doesn’t mean they can’t change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about what you feel and what you need, you teach your children that healthy adults can continue growing in positive directions.
In friendship,
Annie
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