Parent Forum – Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

I have a problem with my 9 year daughter. I was a single mom since my daughter was 18 months old, but remarried almost a year ago. While I was single, my daughter and I lived on our own and she visited her father regularly. I feel that I have done a good job of raising my child, although I am not perfect. She is happy and outgoing. She does very well in school. She is respectful of her elders and had a close relationship with her dad. However she is 9 and she does have the attitude of a 9 year old. What I mean is that she can be rude to me and give me attitude which I deal with by either taking things away and/or giving her sentences to write or grounding her.

The problem is my new husband whom I love dearly, and he loves my daughter as well. He just doesn't know how to deal with a 9 year old since he has only been in her life for a couple of years. Should I allow him to reprimand her with groundings and sentences or should I do all the reprimanding and he just stand back and be supportive? I want them to have a loving relationship, but I sometimes feel that my daughter resents my husband when he reprimands her. Please let me know.

Mom in the Middle

Dear Mom in the Middle,

Congratulations on your good parenting job. No parent is "perfect" so we don't even have to go there! I'm sure your daughter is a great little girl. Congratulations also on your marriage. It sounds like you've done a wonderful thing by joining your life with a man who loves you and your daughter. However, you have to remember that you picked your husband and your daughter didn't get a vote. And even if he is a great stepdad, I'm not surprised that your daughter "resents" him. Why? Probably because she doesn't have you all to herself anymore.

Her "rudeness" and her "attitude" is not typical of a 9 year old, so please don't think this is "normal" behavior. It's not normal, especially not coming from a child who is "happy and outgoing." What she's displaying is anger and jealousy and that's based on her insecurity. She may feel that she doesn't count as much in your heart as she did when it was just the two of you. You know this isn't true, but that's how she may be feeling based on:

• how much one on one time you spend together now vs. before the marriage
• how many of your interactions with her are negative and punishing.

You say that the problem is your new husband. That's not it. The problem is your daughter's need for reassurance that you still hold her dear to your heart and that your feelings haven't changed. Without that reassurance no amount of taking things away, writing assignments or groundings are going to ease her anxiety. You can turn this rudeness around by helping her express the real emotions behind the "attitude." Initiate the conversation. You might say something like this (calmly and respectfully): "Sweetie, I've noticed that sometimes you are rude in the way you talk to me. Have you noticed that?" Then close your mouth and LISTEN to her response. If she claims ignorance, then gently point out just one recent example of what you're talking about. The goal here isn't to nail her. Just the opposite! The goal is to create a safe environment where she can begin to talk about her anger with and fear of the changes in her family and what all that means for her personally.

I'm sure she's happy that you're happy with your new husband and that's part of what is conflicting her. She may feel that it's not okay for her to be anything other than happy too. But she's obviously feeling many other things and you need to let her talk about those feelings. So create a safe, non-judgmental environment (preferably during a Mom & Daughter fun time away from the house). Do not interrupt or correct her while she's talking. Don't attempt to fix her feelings or talk her out of them. Just be there and listen to your daughter. And when she's done, tell her that you love her more than anything. Make a plan with her to spend more time together. Tell her that when she's feeling "left out" or resentful or... anything... you want her to know that rudeness will no longer be an acceptable way to communicate, but that she can come to you and talk about it. And make sure that when she does come to you, that at the end of each of those exchanges, she feels supported and nurtured.

And one more thing, your new husband should definitely not be reprimanding your daughter. Discipline should come from you. His job is to create a mentoring relationship with her. That's going to go a long way toward creating more peace in your family.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Annie

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