Abusive relationships:
“My son says he hates his dad.”
Hey Terra,
I am a single mother of 2 boys (11/7) they are really good kids. Before Christmas I had my sons write a letter to Santa and I told them that I will mail it for them. I think my older son knows that I am Santa but we've never talked about it. I read both letters and in the one from my older son, he said how he "really hates his dad." I knew he had negative feelings about his dad because the pictures of his dad that he has in his room are all blacked out.I was going to write him back a letter from Santa and try to help him figure out his feeling and have him open up to me about his dad so I can get some kind of understanding, but I didn't really know what to say.
His dad is a good dad but not reliable. He was abusive to me, even hit the kids and did drugs and drank. He is now attempting to clean himself up and wants to be in their lives but my 11 year will not talk to him or read the letters his dad writes to him. I told his dad he needs to go at our son's pace and then my son will open up to him, but after reading that Santa letter, maybe he won't. I don't know what to do for my son.
Sad Mom
Dear Sad Mom,
You say your son's dad was "abusive" to you and the kids and had drug and alcohol problems. How, exactly, does that make him a "good" dad in your eyes? It's great that Dad is now "attempting" to clean up his life, but clearly your son has been hurt by his father's past behavior. And taking the boy's point of view, he has good reason to want no part of Dad.
I appreciate your desire for your son to have a healthy relationship with his father, but if the man is still, as you say, "unreliable," how will it help your son to open his heart and quite possibly be disappointed and hurt again? It won't!
Personally, I would protect my son from this man until he had proven that he was completely clean and sober and had managed to stay that way for several months. Then he owes his sons a serious apology for the harm he has inflicted on this family. Only then, would I approve of a supervised visit with the kids. But the relationship should not be forced on your son.
One last point, I agree that your son would benefit from help in "figuring out how he feels" about his dad, but you are not the right person for that job. I'd suggest you set up an opportunity for him to talk to a licensed family therapist.
In friendship,
Annie
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